Consent: Discussing its Importance and Ambiguity

A  few weeks ago I contributed to the RLA post, Our Struggle is Real. My story discussed a negative experience I had related to the topic of consent. But the topic itself deserves further attention than my own personal account. I hope that this post will start a conversation where we can collectively begin to discuss the topic of consent, in all its importance and ambiguity.
Recently the idea of consent has sparked my interest and I have been trying to discuss and look into the topic further. Gaining a better understanding of consent has helped me to identify my past experiences and accept them for what they were. It has also forced me to look at myself and my own ability to ask for and respect the consent of others. I am mostly interested in the intense gray area that exists in its definition. I am believing more and more that not understanding consent is a contributer to rape culture and many cases of sexual assault. Better understanding it is important to helping prevent future cases of unwanted sexual activity.
BUT before we start discussing consent, let’s break it down a bit:
Statistics show that approximately 2 of every 3 of rapes are committed by someone known to the victim (RAINN.org.). This, to me, shows how important it is to talk about consent with everyone, which goes along with a previous discussion in an RLA article about rape culture. In this article we discussed the importance teaching men not to rape, rather than solely teaching women how to avoid rape. If perpetrators had better understood the significance of consent, both what it is and how to appropriately gain it, I wonder if these statistics would be so high.
The fact is that the majority of sexual assault victims are women, but that does NOT mean that men do not deserve to be asked for their consent as well. It also does not exclude the fact that consenting queer sexual activity needs to be discussed too. A lot of times we have double standards for different groups of people but we are all responsible for gaining the consent of our partner(s).
I firmly believe that it is most effective to introduced and required this discussion at a younger age, as part of education. Statistics show that approximately 18.3 % of women in the United States have survived a completed or attempted rape. Thats nearly 1/5 women! Additionally, 12.3% of these women were younger than age 12 when they were first raped, and 29.9% were between the ages of 11 and 17 (National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey 2010). This is also assuming that these statistics are accurate, most believe them to be much higher. This is a sad truth, but it shows that these discussions need to start at a very young age.
Better understanding consent can help to avoid sexual assault, especially in cases where the perpetrator was never taught to understand consent. This discussion could also help victims to better identify if they have experienced sexual assault and allow them take the necessary actions to report it and to heal.
Below are some facts and information gathered from the sources listed at the bottom of the page. They should be useful in legally defining consent, and also addressing its ambiguity.
CONSENT IS…

• A voluntary, sober, imaginative, enthusiastic, creative, wanted, informed, mutual, honest, and verbal agreement
• Consent cannot legally be given by someone who is intoxicated
• An active agreement: Consent cannot be coerced
• A process, which must be asked for every step of the way; if you want to move to the next level of sexual intimacy, just ask
• Consent is never implied and cannot be assumed, even in the context of a relationship–just because you are in a relationship does not mean that you have permission to have sex with your partner(s)
• Consent is about confident, open, real communication. And, respecting boundaries

The fact is:

• Once a person says “no” it does not matter if or what kind of sexual behavior has happened previously in the current event, early that day, or daily for the previous six months. It does not matter if it is a current long-term relationship, a broken relationship, or marriage. If one partner says, “NO,” and the other forces penetration it is rape.

Circumstances in which a person, CANNOT, by law, give consent (no matter what they might verbalize):

• The person is severely intoxicated or unconscious as a result of alcohol or drugs
• The person is mentally disabled
• In each state there are different laws addressing age limits in which a person can and cannot legally give consent

Non Verbal Communication (perhaps the greatest gray area of consent):

• This is something for you to explore with your partner
  • Examples: Some lovers want to be asked every step, every time. Some make spoken consent a rule for the first few times, and once they’ve developed a trust and understanding – then relax into something more unspoken, more intuitive
• Whatever you decide – be gentle, go slowly. Particularly the first few times, until you know each other better. Be present and be sensitive. Never force anything. Be awake to small signals – if you notice that your partner might be tensing and resisting – then stop and relax
• Accept that things change – what you or your partner(s) wanted before may not be what is wanted now
• Remember – sex is making love – it should always be loving

The Perks of Consent:

• Asking for and obtaining consent shows that you have respect for both yourself and your partner(s)
• Enhances communication and honesty, which make sex and relationships better
• Gives partners the ability to know and be able to communicate the type of sexual relationship they desire
• Can open conversations to discuss how to protect yourself and your partner against STIs and pregnancy
• Helps to identify your personal beliefs and values and respecting others personal beliefs and values
• Builds confidence and self-esteem
• Challenges stereotypes that rape is a women’s issue
• Challenges sexism and traditional views on gender and sexuality
• Promotes positive views on sex and sexuality –it is empowering
• Eliminates the entitlement that a partner might feel over another
• Sex is always sexiest when ALL partners desire it – without any feelings of pressure, intimidation or fear

The Consequences of not asking for consent:

• If you do not ask for consent, you are at risk of doing something the other person doesn’t want you to do. You might significantly disrespect and hurt someone. You are also at risk of breaking the law and facing criminal charges
• Touching someone’s – breasts, genitals or buttocks – without consent is sexual assault. So is making someone touch you. Any form of sexual activity with another person without their consent is sexual assault
• If you don’t have consent then you could go to prison for assault

I know, it’s A LOT of information. You may be gritting your teeth at this point, wondering if you have sought consent every time you have engaged in sexual activity. As I stated earlier though, throughout this exploration I have been reflecting on my own ability to seek consent in the past and my hopes to improve in the future. I have also been reflecting on situations that I have been in where I did not feel I was given an opportunity to consent. Better understanding this topic has helped me to identify the violence that has occurred in my own life, and from there, I can work to heal.
Being aware of our own struggles with asking for consent is important for us all to reflect on. It is a touchy subject and talking and thinking about it may bring forward a lot of guilt or pain. It is important to address these feelings so that we can work as a community to better avoid them in the future. I hope that we can use this space to start a conversation on the topic.

How to Ask Someone Out Respectfully

There are few things as ordinary yet anxiety inducing as asking someone out on a date. A strange thing about us humans is that all of us crave intimacy, yet few of us find that desire easy to admit. Even after you've rehearsed how you're going to phrase your request in front of the mirror, over the phone to your best friend and on the couch to your dog, there is STILL the possibility of rejection, which for some is downright terrifying.
But even that is no reason to avoid the whole ordeal all together. You can ease the awkwardness for both of you by making sure that you are being respectful of the person you are asking out. Here are some tips for when you want to Respectfully Ask Someone Out:

Learn to Separate Fantasy From Reality and Accept It

It's easy to get really, really, carried away by even the most fleeting of crushes, like the time you went to that basement show and planned the matching tattoos you would get while on tour with the drummer (by "you" I obviously mean "me" and yes, I am totally ok with letting the world wide web inside my embarrassing fantasy love life).
ANYWAY, it is super important to recognize these daydreams as just that -- desires and fantasies not grounded in reality. Because they exist outside the realm of logic, reason or circumstance, they are dangerous things to become attached to. They are also dangerous things to project onto another person. Remember that this person you desire is their own autonomous human being with hopes and dreams of their own, NOT an extension of your fantasies. Keeping this in mind will help you accept the outcome of putting yourself out on the line for them, whatever it may be.

Have an Activity That You're Asking Them Out To

Such as ice skating, a concert or swimming in your pond. This serves a few purposes: one, it allows you to get to know each other in a fun, neutral environment without romantic pressure. It also demonstrates that your intention is to get to know them as a person and not a sexual conquest. Of course, the desire to be sexual with someone is completely normal, and depending on your unique relationship, may be something that you two need to talk and openly communicate about. Typically, the time for this is not when asking someone out on a date for the first time.

Lastly, Be Sure Not To Hound the Person Afterward for a Definitive Answer

It is not uncommon for someone to be embarrassed by the request and to give an ambiguous answer in order to avoid the awkwardness of rejection. Give this person space and allow your relationship, in whatever form it may take, to progress naturally.
If you have any more ideas on how to Respectfully Ask Someone Out, please leave them in the comments below!

How to Meet Emotional needs

You married your spouse because he or she did a great job meeting some of your emotional needs. That's also why you fell in love. Are those needs still being met by your spouse? And are you still doing a good job meeting your spouse's emotional needs? If the answer to those questions is "no," your love for each other is at risk and your marriage is also at risk.
In the Most Important Emotional Needs section of my Basic Concepts, I describe 10 important emotional needs that should not be ignored in marriage. The following Q&A columns address five of those ten needs.
Affection
Affection is extremely important in marriage, yet after a few years and a few children, couples usually drift into a relationship void of affection. This is unfortunate because without it, couples miss much of what marriage has to offer. In the column, How to Meet the Need for Affection, I address not only the importance of affection in marriage, but the fact that it's a skill that can be learned by anyone. And if you want to have a great sexual relationship, the environment of affection turns out to be an essential ingredient.
Sexual Fulfillment
Sexual fulfillment is also an important emotional need. In fact, after questions on infidelity, the next most commonly asked questions I receive are about sexual problems. Since most of these questions are from women who don't enjoy sex as much as their husbands do, the columns I've posted encourage husbands to make sex more attractive to their wives. But the solutions I offer can often be applied to men as well, where wives must learn to make sex more attractive to their husbands.
How to Meet the Need for Sexual Fulfillment is a column about how to improve sexual interest. Since the problem is so complex, it just scratches the surface, but sometimes a scratch is all that's needed. I emphasize the importance of conversation and affection in providing a necessary environment for sex. A related column is Changing a Willingness to Make Love into a Desire to Make Love. Through a series of e-mail Q&A letters with a frustrated woman, I guide her through a procedure that changes her willingness to make love into a desire to make love. Many have found this column particularly helpful after children arrive.
A good sexual rule of thumb is "don't have sex if it's painful." But when it is painful, what should you do? How to Overcome Pain During Intercourse addresses a common complaint among women. In this column I describe both primary and secondary causes of sexual pain, and how they can be eliminated.
When someone regularly associates pain and discomfort with sex, a sexual aversion is likely to form. And when it does, it can bring sex in marriage to an end. How to Overcome Sexual Aversion is in response to letters from women who have come to a point where sex has become repulsive and frightening. Is there any hope for women with a sexual aversion? There is, if they follow my suggestions.
What to Do When Your Spouse Has an Addiction to Pornography is especially relevant in this age of the internet. Pornography has become an unwanted intruder in many marriages. I offer ways to kick the intruder out.
Conversation
If you and your spouse don't talk to each other enough, how can you expect to have a good marriage?
For many couples, conversation has become downright painful. If you and your spouse have trouble talking to each other, you would benefit from What to do When Your Conversation Becomes Boring and Unpleasant. In this column, you will learn how the enemies of good conversation will keep you from talking to each other. But you will also learn how the friends of good conversation can get you back to those deep and intimate conversations that helped create your love for each other.
Recreational Companionship
One of the biggest risks of marriage is growing apart. Left to your own devices, you and your spouse will develop separate lifestyles, and ultimately slip into incompatibility, and possibly divorce. To avoid that unhappy outcome, I encourage you to spend most of your leisure time together. I can't emphasize this point enough. Unless you and your spouse are each other's best friends and favorite recreational companions, you will not have the love for each other that you want and need. Why Should a Couple Be Together When They Are the Happiest? addresses that issue.
Recreational companionship is a key factor in drawing spouses together. It was what got you together when you were dating, and it helped you fall in love with each other. But what was fun when you were dating may now be boring to at least one of you. I have posted two columns that are designed to encourage you to become each other's best friends. They are What to Do When Your Recreational Companionship Becomes Boring and Unpleasant (Part 1) and What to Do When Your Recreational Companionship Becomes Boring and Unpleasant (Part 2).
On a related theme, another column wrestles with the complaint, We Don't Spend Enough Time with Each Other. Neglect not only withdraws love units, but it turns out to be the single most important reason that women divorce men, and they divorce men twice as often as men divorce women. College educated women divorce 10 times more often as men. Men, if you want to keep your wife around, listen up.
Physical Attractiveness

One of the most controversial aspects of my program is to include physical attractiveness as one of the important emotional needs in marriage. Remember, I am not telling anyone what their emotional needs should be -- I simply list those that have been the most commonly identified by others. But I get lots of complaints, mostly from women, that I should not even mention it as an alternative. Sadly, these women are ignoring a way to deposit love units. In my column, Meeting the Emotional Need for Physical Attractiveness, I have a chance to defend my position on this important subject.

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Counselor
My husband had an affair a year ago, and since then I have not felt the same toward him because of his betrayal and my loss of trust. I want to move forward in this relationship, but I'm having a very difficult time forgiving him. I believe, as you do, that honesty is essential in marriage, but my husband does not. As a result, he continues to lie to me about his behavior, and I continue to discover "bombs" that further explain the absolute wretchedness of his affair.
I'd prefer for him to be honest and get it over with so I can begin the healing process, but after a year of emotional turmoil, my focus has changed somewhat. My inability to forgive is eating me up and I need to get better. I've read your columns and I don't find specific advice on how to forgive. Are there steps I can do on my own to resolve this terrible pain?
maurine.

Dear Maurine

Forgiveness is something I believe in with all my heart. I forgive others and have been forgiven many times. God wants us all to be forgiving just as he has forgiven us.
And, as you have noticed, when you don't forgive someone, it can "eat you up." It's not healthy to keep resentment bottled up inside of you.
The vast majority of couples I counsel who have been through the horror of an affair, have better marriages after the affair than before. It's because the affair jolts them into recognizing the need for building an affair-proof marriage, and the safety precautions they use help them create compatibility and love. But has the offended spouse forgiven the offender in these marriages? Yes and no.
First let's try to understand what forgiveness is. One illustration is telling a person who owes you $10,000 that he won't have to pay you back. You "forgive" the debt. In other words, forgiveness is eliminating a obligation of some sort.
But we generally don't think of money when we think of the need of forgiveness. Instead, we are concerned about inconsiderate behavior that has caused us great pain and suffering -- the pain that an affair causes, for example. Forgiveness in these situations means thinking about the person as if the offense never took place. That is extremely difficult to do. The offended spouse usually thinks, what can he or she do to make it up to me. How can I be compensated for the pain I've suffered.
To make matters worse, whenever a wayward spouse sees me for counseling there is rarely regret and rarely a willingness to compensate the offended spouse. They usually ask to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean he or she is deeply remorseful. It usually means that he or she doesn't want us to bring up the subject anymore, or require a change in behavior. In other words, the wayward spouse wants the pain suffered by the offended spouse to be ignored or forgotten. Like a 10,000 naira debt, they want it forgiven, and then they want to borrow another 10,000 naira.
I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.
In most cases, an offended spouse would be unwise to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the 10,000 Naira he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money.
As it turns out, in every affair there is a way to adequately compensate the offended spouse that is good for the offender and good for the marriage. At first, the offended spouse may not want to be compensated. He or she may try to get as far away from the offender as possible to avoid further pain. But if the spouse asks for forgiveness along with a willingness to compensate, the offended spouse is usually willing to entertain the proposal.
So let's talk about just compensation. What could the offending spouse possibly do to compensate for an affair? After all, it's probably the most painful experiences anyone could ever put his or her spouse through.
The first act of compensation to you from your husband should be to end his relationship with the other woman once and for all. He should never see or talk to her again, even if it means leaving his job or moving your family to another state. The reason should be obvious, but in case there's some confusion, he should be reminded that every contact he will ever have with this woman will be like a knife in your heart. He has already caused you to suffer unbearable pain, and any further contact with his ex-lover would keep you suffering. In your case, the affair is probably over, but has your husband taken precautions to never see or talk to his ex-lover again?
And then he should put extraordinary precautions in place to guarantee that another affair will not take it's place. Has he considered the circumstances that led to his affair? Intoxication, business trips that separate you overnight, close friendships with those of the opposite sex, recreational relationships that do not include you, and so forth, should be subject to scrutiny. What was it that made him vulnerable? Whatever it was, he should take extraordinary precautions to avoid it in the future. It's part of just compensation for the suffering he's caused you to bear.
While there's no excuse for an affair, and if your husband takes the extraordinary precautions I've suggested he will never have another affair again, there are "reasons" that people have affairs. And those reasons must also be addressed when considering just compensation.
I've made the point in His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage that spouses usually have affairs because their emotional needs are not being met in the marriage. The way to affair-proof a marriage is for couples to meet each other's most important emotional needs. So whenever one spouse has an affair, the other should try to learn to meet the unmet needs that led to the affair.
That's a tough sell to someone who has just learned about their spouse's unfaithfulness. I'd sooner kill him than meet his needs, is the most common reaction. Besides, we haven't talked about compensation at all. Instead, we've gone and blamed the offended spouse for the affair!
But in most cases, neither spouse is meeting the other's needs prior to the affair. The reason that there were not two affairs is often a lack of opportunity for the offended spouse. And sometimes when there is that opportunity, there actually are two affairs.
The point I'm making is that in most cases both the offending and offended spouses' emotional needs were not being met by each other prior to the affair. One compensation for the affair, therefore, is for the offending spouse to learn to meet the emotional needs of the offended spouse. But if I can also motivate the offended spouse to do something that should have been done all along, meet the offending spouse's emotional needs, the arrangement seems more fair to the offending spouse. There is not only compensation for the affair, but the one of the conditions that may have created the affair (unmet emotional needs) are removed. The marriage is restored and affair-proofed.
But forgiveness is still necessary even after compensation is made. That's because there's really nothing that can completely compensate for the betrayal of infidelity. Even after compensation is made, there is still the need to forgive. But it's sure makes a lot more sense after the unfaithful spouse makes an effort to restore the relationship.
Using this meaning of forgiveness, the person asking to be forgiven must first demonstrate an awareness of how inconsiderate the act was and how much pain his or her spouse was made to suffer. Second, he or she must express some plan to assure the forgiver that steps have been taken to avoid the painful act in the future. Extraordinary precautions to never see or talk to the former lover, and to avoid circumstances that might ignight a new affair should be part of the plan for recovery. And another part of the plan is for both spouses to meet each other's unmet emotional needs that may have given the unfaithful spouse a "reason" to be unfaithful. As it turns out, it's the successful completion of that plan that's the compensation that leads to "forgiveness." Learning to meet each other's most important emotional needs is the plan that usually does the trick.  To Be Continue...

Breakthrough-Minded

When you consider your dreams and goals, do you ever think they look too big or too impossible? When we think limiting thoughts, it's like building a box around our dreams. Doubt and unbelief limit what God can do in your life. That's why it's so important to meditate on the fact that we serve the God of the breakthrough! Like a flood, in an instant His favor can overtake you and change things. In an instant, He can open the right door. In an instant, He can cause someone to pay a debt. In an instant, you can be healed.

Don't accept things in your life that are far less than God's best. Be breakthrough-minded. No matter what's happened in your past, this is a new day. New seeds have taken root in your heart. I believe the God of the breakthrough is about to visit your house, not with a trickle of favor, not with a stream of blessing. No, get ready for a flood of God's favor, a tidal wave of His goodness.

Today I encourage you to release your faith in a greater way. If you don't pray for that break through, it won't happen. Dare to believe. He wants to give you something to talk about. He wants to give you some new landmarks so that in the future, you can look back and say, "I know that was the God of the breakthrough!"

Isaiah said: "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me to announce a day when the free favor of God profusely abounds." Notice the word he used to describe God's favor, profusely. That means "overwhelming, out of the norm, exceeding."

Like Isaiah, I've announced that a flood of God's power is coming—favor like you've never seen before. Instead of being overwhelmed by burdens, you will be overwhelmed by God's blessings. But the real question is this: can you receive this into your spirit?

Today, in order to help you become more breakthrough-minded, I want to invite you to pick up a copy of my new book, Break Out: Five Ways to Go Beyond Your Barriers and Live an Extraordinary Life. In this book, I provide you with practical steps and encouragement for living a life without limitations—the life God designed for you. Get your copy and get on the way to living breakthrough-minded and prepare the way to victory!

Sleeping longer linked to faster decline in brain function

 

Sleeping in regularly may not be a good idea if you want to keep your brain sharp, according to a new study that found people in their 60s and 70s who slept on average 9 hours or more in a 24-hour period showed a more rapid decline in cognitive function over 3 years than counterparts who slept 6-8 hours.
Decline in cognitive function, such as memory and thinking, is a feature of Mild Cognitive Impairment (MCI), a known risk factor for dementia.
The study, which was conducted by researchers from the University Hospital Madrid and Columbia University in New York, was published online recently in the Journal of Psychiatric Research.
The researchers, led by Dr. Julián Benito-León, looked at data from a large cohort of over 2,700 people in their 60s and 70s who were followed for 3 years.
At the beginning and end of the study period, the participants underwent assessment of brain function using the mini-mental state examination (MMSE), one of a battery of tests used to assess dementia.
Over the 3 years they were followed, the participants also filled in reports that included details of their sleeping patterns.

People who slept on average more than 9 hours a night showed double the amount of cognitive function decline, compared with people who slept 6-8 hours a night.

The results showed that 49% of participants were normal sleepers (they slept on average 6-8 hours over a 24-hour period, this was the "reference group"), 40% were long sleepers (9 or more hours) and 11% were short sleepers (5 hours or less).
Over the follow-up, the MMSE scores declined in all three groups, with long sleepers showing nearly double the amount of decline in cognitive function of normal sleepers.
The authors note that the "difference between long sleepers and the reference group was significant," and the result remained "robust," even when they took into account factors that might influence it, such as age, education, and smoking and drinking habits.
The researchers say further studies are needed to confirm these findings.
It is important to note finding a link does not establish that longer sleep actually causes the mental decline. There could be other explanations, and one question that could be explored is does mental decline cause people to sleep longer?

Living Together Before Marriage

The number of unmarried couples living together has increased dramatically over the past few decades, and I expect that it will continue to increase. The rationale is simple: "By living together before marriage, we'll know how compatible we are." Presumably, if a couple can get along living in the same apartment before marriage, they will be able to get along with each other after marriage.
It's a tempting argument. After all, a date tends to be artificial. Each person is "up" for the occasion, and they make an effort to have a good time together. But marriage is quite different from dating. In marriage, couples are together when they're "down," too. Wouldn't it make sense for a couple to live together for a while, just to see how they react to each other's "down" times? If they discover that they can't adjust when they live together, they don't have to go through the hassle of a divorce. Besides, isn't it easier to adjust when you don't feel trapped by marriage?
The problem with those arguments is that marriage changes everything. If couples that live together think that after marriage everything will be the same, they don't understand what marriage does to a couple, both positively and negatively.
In my experience and in reports I've read, the chances of a divorce after living together are huge, much higher than for couples who have not lived together prior to marriage. If living together were a test of marital compatibility, the statistics should show opposite results -- couples living together should have stronger marriages. But they don't. They have weaker marriages.
To understand why this is the case, I suggest that you consider why couples who live together don't marry. Ask yourself that very question. Why did you choose to live with your boyfriend instead of marrying him?
The answer is that you were not ready to make that commitment to him yet. First, you wanted to see if you still loved him after you cooked meals together, cleaned the apartment together and slept together. In other words, you wanted to see what married life would be like without the commitment of marriage.
But what you don't seem to realize is that you will never know what married life is like unless you're married. The commitment of marriage adds a dimension to your relationship that puts everything on its ear. Right now, you are testing each other to see if you are compatible. If either of you slips up, the test is over, and you are out the door. Marriage doesn't work that way. Slip-ups don't end the marriage. If they're serious enough, they just end the love you have for each other. Since you're still committed to each other, you have time to correct the problem and restore your love.
What, exactly, is the commitment of marriage? It is an agreement that you will take care of each other for life, regardless of life's ups and downs. You will stick it out together through thick and thin. But the commitment of living together isn't like that at all. It is simply a month-to-month rental agreement. As long as you behave yourself and keep me happy, I'll stick around.
Habits are hard to break, and couples that live together before marriage get into the habit of following their month-to-month rental agreement. In fact, they often decide to marry, not because they are willing to make a lifetime commitment to each other, but because the arrangement has worked out so well that they can't imagine breaking their lease, so to speak. They say the words of the marital agreement, but they still have the terms of their rental agreement in mind.
Couples who have not lived together before marriage, on the other hand, have not lived under the terms of the month-to-month rental agreement. They begin their relationship assuming that they are in this thing for life, and all their habits usually reflect that commitment. 
A mother of three kids once invite me to her office at ikoyi for some private issues,along the line i notice she was depressed in communication & that come's from the inside. 
so i ask her what is wrong and it was a deep heart sour in  her,her husband don't come home as usual,eat at home only on sunday's & deny his responsibility at home. that story is for another post,but in her explanation to me i picked somethings and one of them is; "right from the stat i gave him all he want down to the inner part of my body just to make him love me alone. i mean during our dating period,we stay under the same roof for 6yrs.
so i ask her,as that change anything? and i conclude with her,that it seems you ladies are the one corrupting the men.
you can't bring a monkey into your banana farm to eat for a while and later ask him for payment or will be band for further consumption,the monkey will tell you that he deserve a fresh banana farm.

But marriage has a very negative effect on those who have been in the habit of following the month-to-month agreement. The commitment of marriage is seen as the "other guy's" commitment. Those who have lived together prior to marriage feel that their own behavior has passed the test, and any further accommodation should be unnecessary. Worse yet, they think they don't need to be on their best behavior because their spouse can't leave now that they're married.
Habits are hard to break, and those who have lived together develop habits that work only when they're not married. Marriage ruins it all.
Now, I'm not suggesting that you and your boyfriend should avoid marriage, but I'm warning you that unless you break out of the habits that come from a month-to-month rental agreement, your marriage will be a disaster.
 It's not impossible to follow when you care for each other's feelings and put them first in your life. You will create a lifestyle that fits you both perfectly, and you'll wonder why you didn't marry each other to begin with.
Living together may prove compatibility for a moment in time, but it provides no evidence for your happiness together over a lifetime. The only way you can have that happiness and compatibility is if you agree to take each other's feelings into account every time you make a decision. And that's what people who marry after not having lived together are highly motivated to do. 

Choosing the Right One to Marry

 

Introduction: All of my basic concepts for marriage are applicable to dating couples. If they are followed, a love relationship will certainly be created, and marriage is likely to follow. But there are important differences between marriage and all other relationships. The first and foremost difference is that in other relationships, the vows of marriage have not been made. That means that a dating relationship need not lead to love or marriage, while a marriage relationship must retain love if it is to survive.
But wedding vows are not made while dating or even at the time of engagement - they are made at the time of marriage. So until the day vows are made before God and witnesses, the rules of marriage do not apply.
The letters in this column address common problems of dating couples. But because they are not yet married, I focus more attention on whether they are right for each other than I do on how to resolve the conflicts. The first letter is from a woman who thinks she is engaged but is having quite a bit of trouble with her "fiancee." So much trouble, in fact, that she is not sure he is right for her, and I'm not either. The second letter comes from a woman who is interested in compatibility testing. I suggest a professional service that she can use, and I also offer her some of my own guidelines as to what to look for in a marriage partner. The third letter is from a woman who considers herself married to her boyfriend, but he's left her. Are they now going through divorce?  

 How to Resolve Conflicts before Marriage

Dear Counselor,

I am a 19 year old college sophomore and have been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years. We have discussed marriage, but want to wait until we both finish college. Lately, however, my boyfriend has not wanted to talk about marriage, and I have wondered if I will still want to marry him when the time comes. I see several problems developing between us, and if they are not resolved soon, I wonder if I should start looking for someone else. I have dated only one other man and that was when I was still in High School.
My boyfriend does not like to show his affection for me in public. He will not hold my hand or put his arm around me. Even when we are alone, he does not do much to show his love for me. He is so involved with his job, that I sometimes have to ask him if we are going to see each other on the weekend. We haven't had a real date in I don't know how long.
Occasionally, he comes over to see me unannounced and talks to me for a few minutes, then asks me if there's anything to eat. He asks if I will fix him a sandwich or something, which I do. By the time I get it to him, he has flipped the TV channels from whatever was I was watching to something he wants to watch. After an hour or so, he'll leave. He always tells me he loves me before he goes, but nonetheless, he just leaves.
I'm afraid that if I marry him he will become like his father, who has a traditional man-watches-TV-while-woman-cooks-dinner-and-brings- man-whatever-he-asks-for attitude. It's not at all the way I was raised.
We have tried to discuss this problem, but he thinks I'm over reacting. I think that maybe his father is part of the reason he fails to show any public affection towards me--his father doesn't show any affection for his mom, either.
I don't want to lose my boyfriend because I love him with all my heart, but I don't want to be stuck in an unfulfilling marriage, either. I want to get these problems sorted out and fixed before marriage, because it may be too late afterward. Can you help me, please?


If you were married, I would encourage you and your spouse to learn my ten basic concepts and apply them to your relationship. Some of them might be very difficult for you to apply at first, but if you were to let them guide you, your conflicts would eventually be resolved and you would have a great relationship in no time. In fact, applying these these basic concepts are often the only way that a marriage can be saved, and regardless of their difficulty they must be followed.
But in your case, there is no marriage to save and there are no children who desperately need their parents to love each other. In fact, the way you describe your relationship, I would not even consider you engaged. If you and your boyfriend were to break up, you might be sad for a while, but it would not be anything close to the disaster of divorce.
While my basic concepts would help you resolve your conflicts if you were to follow them, I am not sure that your boyfriend would be willing. Under the circumstances, I recommend that you keep looking until you find someone very attractive (meets your emotional needs) and would have an easy time following my basic concepts.
It's been my experience operating a dating service and counseling singles who want to marry that when someone has dated about 30 people, they almost always find at least one very good match among them. That experience helps them come to understand what they need most in an opposite sex relationship. The ones that they find most attractive are those who meet some of their most important emotional needs.
But dating does more than help you identify your emotional needs. It also teaches you what needs you can meet for others with relative ease. In other words, in dating you learn who is skilled in meeting your needs, and you learn how skilled you are in meeting certain needs of others.
If you were to date 30 men, you would probably develop strong feelings for at least one of them, feelings stronger than you now have for your boyfriend. That man would probably show his affection for you in public, would make sandwiches for you instead of wanting you to make them for him, would ask you what TV programs you wanted to watch, and would schedule dates with you far into the future. He would be just as serious about his job as your boyfriend is, but would give his time with you his highest priority. If that man had the same strong feelings for you, I'm sure you would be enthusiastic about marrying him.
As a sophomore in college, you probably see more available and compatible men now than you will see the rest of your life. But since you are "engaged," you are out of circulation, and may be missing many opportunities to get to know some of these eligible guys. Granted, there may not be 30 of them who are just waiting for you to be available, but there are 30 guys that would date you if you would show some interest. And you could even ask them out yourself. There's nothing wrong with asking a guy for a date or at least suggesting lunch together -- my daughter did that when she was a freshman, and ended up marrying him.
One of the most important advantages to college for both men and women is the opportunity to mix with a large percentage of potential spouses. But if you don't seize the opportunity, you will be a senior before you know it, with very little dating experience. While you can still meet and date men long after you graduate, most women find that it's not nearly as easy to do. That's because wherever you go after you graduate, there will not be as many eligible bachelors as there are in the college you attend. Besides, some of the best choices are gone by graduation. Even if you never do find your husband in college, the experience of getting to know more men while you are there will help you understand them much better, and also help you better understand what you need in a man.
But if you find someone that knocks you off your feet before you reach the magic 30, don't feel compelled to continue dating. My point is that within those 30 people there is probably someone who you would find very compatible and who would know how to meet your emotional needs. If by the fifth date you've found that person, search no longer.
If you were to marry your boyfriend the way he now treats you, and someone else comes along who is willing to give you his undivided attention, is affectionate and also very respectful, you will probably think your marriage was a big mistake, particularly if your husband is not willing to change to accommodate your emotional needs.
Dating other guys next year may mean losing your boyfriend to someone else. Or, he might make some changes to win you back. Who knows, he may be terrific at being affectionate with you in public if he had a little incentive to do so. But I'd sure encourage you to make him prove that he can meet your emotional needs before you promise to meet his for life.
As I already mentioned, after you are married it would be essential for you and your spouse to let my 10 basic concepts guide you. Of course, my primary concern for you is that your boyfriend, or whoever else you marry, will use them to guide him as well. If he fails to be guided by them, your marriage will be a huge mistake. So far, your boyfriend has failed to follow most of those concepts. With that track record, it's not too likely that he will make a good husband for you. But then, he should not feel obligated to do much of anything when he is with you. After all, he's just dating you - it's up to you to let him know that you expect to be treated much better, and to stop dating him. Otherwise, he will most surely take you for granted.
You have tried to teach your boyfriend how to meet your emotional needs, and that is fair to do when you date. You want to give each man who dates you the guidance he needs to be successful in his relationship with you. But every date is a test, and when it's over he is either given another chance to build his relationship with you, or you give someone else a chance. After two years of trying to educate your boyfriend, I say he has failed too many tests.
Don't sell yourself short. Even though my wife was 19 when I married her, she dated many other guys before we married, and broke up with me every time a potentially better prospect arrived. All is fair in love and war - before marriage, that is. And you have every right and responsibility to find the very best marriage partner for yourself. By the time Joyce married me she knew what she wanted, and didn't want to date anymore. I felt the same way, so we married quite early in life. But if we had not had experience dating others, I think we would have waited.
Marry the man who has what you want, at least at the time of your marriage. From the sound of your letter, your boyfriend falls far short of your expectations, to say nothing about your needs. I'll bet if you get to know other guys next year, you'll find at least one that has just what you want, and I wouldn't settle for less if I were you.....

Preparing for Marriage

 

In Preparing for Marriage, I describe some of the most important ways that people can make themselves marriage material. I also explain how a couple can develop a negotiating style before marriage that will help them avoid most of the common pitfalls after marriage.
The letters in Choosing the Right One to Marry address common problems of dating couples. Because they are not yet married, I focus more attention on whether they are right for each other than I do on how to resolve the conflicts. The first letter is from a woman who thinks she is engaged but is having quite a bit of trouble with her "fiancee." So much trouble, in fact, that she is not sure he is right for her, and I'm not either. The second letter comes from a woman who is interested in compatibility testing. I suggest a professional service that she can use, and I also offer her some of my own guidelines as to what to look for in a marriage partner. The third letter is from a woman who considers herself married to her boyfriend, but he's left her. Are they now going through divorce?
A very high percentage of those who send me letters are either living together or have lived together before marriage. There has been extensive research on the subject of living together, and it all points to a startling conclusion: Living together before marriage seems to doom subsequent marriage. In my first Q&A column on the subject, Does Living Together Prepare You for Marriage? I try to explain why living together has such a disastrous effect on marriage.
Then, in What Is It Like to Be Married After Living Together I explain what a couple can do to save their marriage after having lived together first. These two Q&A columns are extremely important reading for couples who have ever lived together before marriage, or are contemplating living together.
There are many people meeting for the first time on the internet, and as I discussed earlier, there are an increasing number of internet affairs. But some of these relationships are between singles, and they sometimes lead to marriage. How do these internet marriages work out? Internet Marriage is a discussion of this recent phenomenon, along with some warnings and suggestions.
Is divorce the end of a marriage? Not necessarily. But how can you know for sure, and how can you let go if it's really over? These questions are addressed in Should I Remarry My Ex-spouse? If Not, How Can I Just Let Go?

Red wine, grape skin compound could treat cancers

A new US study suggests that resveratrol, a compound present in grape skin and red wine, could help treat several cancers.
Researchers at the University of Missouri (UM) School of Medicine found the compound made melanoma cells more susceptible to radiation treatment.
The findings follow earlier similar findings from UM that showed resveratrol sensitizes prostate cancer cells to treatment.
The researchers now want to find a way to use the compound to treat a variety of cancers. One of the challenges is finding a means to deliver the compound into tumors.
Senior investigator, Michael Nicholl, assistant professor of surgery at the MU School of Medicine, says:
"Because of difficulties involved in delivery of adequate amounts of resveratrol to melanoma tumors, the compound is probably not an effective treatment for advanced melanoma at this time.

Loving touch may be key to healthy sense of self

 

A new study suggests that a gentle caress may be the key to feeling comfortable with one's self. Researchers say a loving touch may increase the brain's ability to construct a sense of body ownership and, in turn, play a part in creating and sustaining a healthy sense of self.
These findings come from a new study published online in Frontiers in Psychology, led by Dr. Aikaterini Fotopoulou from University College London and Dr. Paul Mark Jenkinson from the University of Hertfordshire, both in the UK.
Affective touch, characterized by slow speed tactile stimulation of the skin (between 1 and 10 cm per second) has been previously correlated with pleasant emotion and improving symptoms of anxiety, as well as other emotional symptoms in certain groups of adults and infants.
So, what is often an instinctive gesture from a mother to a child or between partners in romantic relationships may have more lasting implications for a person's mental wellbeing.

Constructing a sense of self

The perception of affective touch in the brain is one of a number of interoceptive signals (stimuli arising within the body) that help us monitor homeostasis.

An affective touch is typically received from a loved one and plays an important role in developing our sense of self.

This study provides new evidence to support the existing idea that interoceptive signals, such as affective touch, play an important role in how the brain learns to construct a mental picture and an understanding of the body, which ultimately helps to create a coherent sense of self.
Decreased sensitivity to and awareness of interoceptive signals, such as affective touch, have been linked to body image problems, unexplained pain, anorexia nervosa and bulimia.
The study, of 52 healthy adults, used a common experimental technique known as the "rubber hand illusion." This is where participants' brains are tricked into believing that a strategically placed rubber hand is their own.
As they watch the rubber hand being stroked in synchrony with their own, they begin to think that the fake hand belongs to them. This technique demonstrates the changeable nature of the brain's perception of the body.

Body and body ownership

Dr. Fotopoulou's team wanted to test whether affective touch would impact the brain's understanding of the body and body ownership.
The team adapted the rubber hand technique to incorporate four different types of touch, including a synchronized and asynchronized, slow, affective touch and a faster neutral touch, again in synchronous and asynchronous patterns.
Participants were also asked to complete a standardized "embodiment" questionnaire, to measure their subjective experience during the experiment.
The results confirmed previous findings that slow, light touch is perceived as being more pleasant than fast touch. More importantly, the study demonstrated that slow tactile stimulation made participants more likely to believe that the rubber hand was their own, compared with the faster neutral touch.

Peanut butter helps diagnose Alzheimer's disease

A dollop of peanut butter and a ruler can be used to confirm a diagnosis of early stage Alzheimer's disease, University of Florida Health researchers have found.
Jennifer Stamps, a graduate student in the University of Florida (UF) McKnight Brain Institute Center for Smell and Taste, and her colleagues reported the findings of a small pilot study in the Journal of the Neurological Sciences.
Stamps came up with the idea of using peanut butter to test for smell sensitivity while she was working with Dr. Kenneth Heilman, one of the world's best known behavioral neurologists, from the UF College of Medicine's department of neurology.
While shadowing doctors in Heilman's clinic, she noticed that patients were not tested for their sense of smell. The ability to smell is associated with the first cranial nerve and is often one of the first things to be affected in cognitive decline.
"Dr. Heilman said, 'If you can come up with something quick and inexpensive, we can do it,'" Stamps says.
She thought of peanut butter because, she said, it is a "pure odorant" that is only detected by the olfactory nerve and is easy to access.

Widespread problem

According to the Alzheimer's Association, Alzheimer's disease affects 5.2 million people in the US and will cost the nation $203 billion in this year alone.

Researchers found that by placing a dollop of peanut butter on a ruler, they could identify early stages of Alzheimer's disease, based on patients' ability to detect the odor at certain distances.

The Association estimates that one American develops Alzheimer's every 68 seconds, and they expect to see this figure rise to one American every 33 seconds by 2050.
In the study, patients who were coming to the clinic for testing also sat down with a clinician, who was armed with 14 grams of peanut butter - which equals about 1 tablespoon - and a metric ruler. The patient closed his or her eyes and mouth and blocked one nostril.
The clinician opened the peanut butter container and held the ruler next to the open nostril while the patient breathed normally. By moving the peanut butter up the ruler 1 cm at a time during the patient's exhalation, they were able to measure the distance at which the patient could detect the odor.
The distance was recorded and the procedure repeated on the other nostril after a 90-second delay.
The clinicians running the test did not know the patients' diagnoses, which were not usually confirmed until weeks after the initial clinical testing.

Prenatal Depression Linked To Offspring Depression In Adulthood

 

Depression in pregnant women appears to increase the risk that their children will experience depression when they are 18-years-old, according to a report published by JAMA Psychiatry.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), prenatal depression affects 8% of pregnant women in the US.
Depression in late adolescence is a worldwide public health issue and identifying early-life risk factors will be important to guide prevention and intervention efforts, according to the study background.
The study, conducted by researchers at the University of Bristol in the UK, examined possible associations between prenatal and postnatal depression in women and later depression of their children at age 18.
The researchers analyzed a UK community-based study population with data from more than 4,500 parents and their adolescent children.
The findings show that children were more likely to have depression at age 18 if their mothers were depressed during the pregnancy, where depression was defined as increases in prenatal (also known as antenatal) maternal depression scores measured on self-reported depression questionnaires.

Postnatal depression and disadvantaged families

Postnatal depression was also a risk factor among mothers with low education because their children were also more likely to have depression based on increases in depression scores, according to the study.
Paternal postnatal depression also influenced an adolescent's chances of suffering from depression, but this was limited to the offspring of fathers with low education.
The study is believed to be the first to test the relative effects of depressive symptoms antenatally and postnatally on offspring depression at age 18.
The results appear robust, as this study included a large sample and long-term follow-up. Additionally, because the maternal depression had been recorded 18 years previously, reverse causality could be ruled out.
The connection between maternal antenatal or postnatal depression is more marked in mothers with low education. The study notes that maternal education indicates multiple sources of psychosocial support, for example, mothers are more likely to access child care. It also assumes that educated women will have more positive home environments, which in turn can be protective in the context of depression.
This study suggests that the risks associated with both prenatal and postnatal depression are different. While prenatal depression is an independent risk factor for offspring depression, postnatal depression may be a risk factor, but only in disadvantaged families.

Stroke 'Causes 60% Loss of quality years

For every 5 quality years of life, 3 are taken away for people who have had a stroke, long-term research has found - a loss of 60%.
The study, published in Neurology, the journal of the American Academy of Neurology, involved 1,188 patients - 748 who had a stroke and 440 who had a transient ischemic attack (TIA). Researchers followed these patients for 5 years.
The researchers used a measure called utility, which put a numerical value on the desirability of various health outcomes for patients responding to a questionnaire.
Utility represents quality of life in single numbers along a continuum, extending from 0.0 (death) to 1.0 ("perfect health"). A negative value represents a state "worse than death."
The authors note that "utilities can be combined with life expectancy to generate quality-adjusted life-years (QALYs)."
The study determined the 5-year QALYs for the participants. This was calculated by multiplying the time spent in a health state by the value assigned to that particular health state.
Out of a possible 5 years of perfect health, people who had a stroke lost 1.71 years due to earlier death and another 1.08 years due to a reduced quality of life.
This combination of factors resulted in a reduction of 2.79 quality-adjusted life-years for stroke.

I Saw Policemen Kill My Dad – Six-year-old girl

A six-year-old girl, Mariam Adeniji, is currently in shock after witnessing the killing of her father, Rafiu Adeniji, who was allegedly shot dead by policemen on Sunday.

The little girl, who spoke to Reporters while trying to fight back tears, said her father was killed after challenging policemen over an accident along the Mangoro end of Lagos-Abeokuta Expressway.

She said, “My daddy was driving home when someone hit his car. He went to see the policemen; they just brought out their guns and shot him. They then ran away.”

Another occupant of the vehicle, Lateef Okesola, who expressed shock at the incident, said it occurred in broad daylight.

He said, “Adeniji, Mariam and I, were all in his Honda car; Adeniji was driving. We were headed towards Agege when we saw a white police patrol vehicle with the inscription, OPS Attack, chasing a commercial bus. So, Rafiu swerved to the side and allowed the vehicle to pass.

“We continued on our journey but after a while, we found ourselves behind the same bus. Suddenly, the driver of the bus applied his brake.”

Unfortunately for Adeniji, he couldn’t stop his car fast enough as his vehicle was said to have hit the bus from behind, causing Okesola to sustain a bruise on his head. An argument was said to have ensued between the bus driver and Adeniji after the motorist demanded payment for the repair of the bus.

The deceased allegedly told the bus driver to blame the policemen for causing the accident.

“The policemen were parked on the side of the road and when Rafiu approached them to discuss what had happened, one of them alighted and shot him in the chest before fleeing.

“It was the sympathisers who gathered, that flagged down another commercial bus to take us all to the Isokoko Police Division,” Okesola added.

After obtaining a police report, Adeniji was taken to the Lagos State University Teaching Hospital, Ikeja, where he was confirmed dead.

Not long after his corpse was taken to his family home at Oshodi, Adeniji was said to have been rushed to a private hospital after a sympathiser claimed he saw the corpse move.

However, Adeniji was confirmed dead again at Jericho hospital.

When our correspondent visited Adeniji’s mother’s home located on Samura Street, sympathisers were seen coming in droves to condole with his aged mother said to be in her 70s.

Olalekan Ade's Blog gathered that Adeniji was an employee of NAHCO. His colleagues, who came to sympathise with the family, described him as a hardworking man.

Elder sister of the deceased, Titilayo Akintunde, described the incident as a nightmare, saying there was a need for the government to curb the excesses of policemen.

She said, “One wonders why it is those that are paid to protect lives and property that “continue to add sorrows to our lives in this country.

“My brother was not a thug. He was gainfully employed at NAHCO. He had a wife and two children. Unfortunately, his life was cut short in his prime.

Secret Date

Well, doesn't Lauren look happy?! She's got a grin plastered all over her face, instead of her being - well - just plastered! All that romance is clearly working wonders.
Jake and Lauren are on a secret date, well away from the prying eyes of Albert Square. As they share a kiss, it's clear they have strong feelings for each other.

Ex- Governor Olusegun Agagu Corpse In Plane Crash

Olalekan Ade's Blog.......
This is too occultist to me,he died a miserable death of car accident and now he's corpse was to  be
layed  for final burial and still crash even kill innocent people along................
This is just the hand work of God,to show all men how greatest he his all over the earth!!!!!!